Mattress Lovin’

11 Oct

I am mattress shopping. Who would have thought it would be so difficult and stressful? Ah, the joys of first world problems.

Anyway, I have come to discover that most conventional mattresses are laden with chemicals, glues and toxins. You’re sleeping on this thing everyday, for years and years, yet we seem to gasp at the thought of a mattress costing more than a grand (ouch!). Yet, we often spend more money on a sofa that we spend 20 minutes on each day, rather than a mattress that we sleep on for 6-8 hours daily.
I’ve been doing tons of research on mattresses, and the so-claimed “best mattress in the world” is the cost of a mid-range car. Above my measly budget, but definitely something to dream about. It’s all natural, people rave about their amazing sleep on it, but it does require some special care. In its first year, you have to rotate it monthly, and MASSAGE it every couple of weeks. I can just imagine the conversations I’d have with my friends – they would all think John and I have become a super kinky couple.

Friend: Are you guys joining us for dinner on Saturday?

Me: No, sorry, we’re massaging.

Friend: OooOooh. Enjoy.

Me: No, no…we’re massaging our mattress.

Friend: Really, whatever you’re doing with your “mattress” is none of my business. *wink* Enjoy!

Zombies!!!! I mean, Vampires!!!!

19 Sep

Two separate conversations with John that merit their own “Vampire” post.

John: I’m a Zombie. Rah Rah*. I’m going to drink your blood.
Carol: That’s a vampire. Get your undead right.
John: I’m not a very smart zombie.

*Rah Rah are zombie noises

John: I don’t want your garlic breath!

Carol: I didn’t eat any garlic!

John: It smells like you did. Maybe you’re a vampire eater

Carol: What? How does that make sense?

John: Because vampires eat garlic

Carol: No, vampires are allergic to garlic. That’s why people hang garlic strings to ward them off

John: They’re allergic to garlic? What If the new-age vampires have outgrown the allergy…or what if they carry around an EPI pen?

No leaks, no house!

18 Sep

I kid you not, y’all*, this semi-detached house listed in the suburbs of the GTA, has the following in its description.


And this gem** is listed for 420K. Honest! And it isn’t even a desirable area.


*I speak with a southern drawl when I mean business

** I am totally being sarcastic. This semi might be full of germs, but it is definitely not a gem.

Bucket of Useless Statements – Statement #324

13 Sep

In the bucket of completely useless statements people make:

“You’ve gained weight”

Really? Thanks! It has actually¬†completely escaped my mind to look in the mirror for the past few months, and all I own are elastic string clothing, so I haven’t noticed. No wonder I can’t see my feet anymore! You’re such a pal for letting me know!

Ironically, I’m writing this as I’m eating a macadamia nut chocolate chip cookie. No need to mention if I gain any weight, my pants are happy to let me know the news as soon as it happens.

Husband or Stranger?

7 Sep

Who is this man? Two weeks ago I realized my husband didn’t know what an Internet meme* was. Then today, as we were playing tennis, I started doing the gangnam style dance every time I hit a ball he couldn’t return. That’s just how I roll. During a quick break, I naturally asked him how he liked my gangnam dancing…and he didn’t know what I was talking about. He said he does not care for Internet fads.

He does not care for Internet fads?! If it wasn’t for me, he would have totally missed “hide yo kids, hide yo wife” last year. He would not be the man he is today had he not been engrossed in that “Internet fad”. For the sake of modern day pop culture, I present you with the (summer 2012) internet world sensation – Korean music video ‘Gangnam Style’:


* Wikipedia describes an Internet Meme as “a concept that spreads via the Internet. An Internet meme may take the form of a hyperlink,¬†video, picture, website, hashtag, or just a word or phrase”

Member of High Society

5 Sep

John and I signed up for a tennis club membership at the beginning of the summer. That’s right, I’m a tennis club member (said in the poshiest accent ever) with an actual clubhouse that’s always locked up because an executive has to present while it’s open. That’s okay though, because it was super cheap, and I get to tout that I’m an actual member of a club.

I took this turn in my life very seriously. I went out and bought a complete tennis outfit, bright pink, a fancy tennis racquet, and tennis shoes. I even have one of those wrist-band sweat absorbers – no sweat beads on this girl’s forehead! I really wanted a towel-material headband, but John put his foot down and said I would look ridiculous. Pshh…little does he know, it’s what all the cool girls wear. Or they will, after I single-handedly bring them back into style. But, really, it was all worth it, because we’ve actually been playing. We average around 3 plays a week, and we look forward to it.

The only problem is, for the first 15 minutes of play, it’s as though I have never played a single hand of tennis in my entire life. What? A small, yellow ball coming my way? Why, let me move aside and let it completely bypass me. Or, despite the ball being four feet away from me, let me swing my racquet vehemently into thin air – sounds like a stellar plan! After my horrible start of a warm-up, I get pretty good. I’ve surprised myself, I have a great backhand and can hit some decent balls. I’ve come to truly believe, had I played since I was young, and taken lessons, I would be a champion female tennis player for Canada. In another dimension, my Olympic gold medal is hanging on my wall at this very moment in time.


3 Sep
Carol: Your arms are pretty hairy.
John: I’ve been testing Rogaine on them.